Dr Whoo and I seem to be in the same place at the same time. We both struggle with our weight because we are using food for other than sustenance. We use it to manage stress. Overeating is, after all, a wonderful sedative. Soothes the savage beast and all that. And it really works. I’ve probably saved my marriage and my job and kept from killing my kids and my husband by sedating myself with food.
In Dr Whoo’s case, the sedative of choice is pasta. In my case anything edible and not growing mold, but preferably bread or pretzels with something fatty, either cheese or Nutella would do just fine, thank you. Mother’s little helper never tasted so good….
What am I sedating with food? Frustration, irritability and anger that results when conflicting priorities build and I have to make choices I don’t want to make. Sleep or get the work done. Help my kid with her homework even though its 10 o’clock and the first time I’ve sat down to relax all day. Ignore the email in-box while I finish patient charts. Or tackle the email while the charting builds up. (The two tasks can never both be completed in a single day, I am convinced.) Or once again finish seeing my patients for the day only to turn and face the ever growing pile of lab and radiology results and phone calls that came in while I was in office hours.
Bad internet connections also makes me overeat if I’m trying to get work done. By the time the damned site loads I can head to the kitchen and shove in a handful of something.
During the 11 weeks I spent losing 33 pounds in a controlled research diet, the option to sedate my frustration and anger with food did not exist. It was an interesting little experiment in dealing with life. I have to say I occasionally cheated during a particularly stressful evening with a little piece of pretzel dipped in nutella (hopefully Charlie, the study PI, is not reading this blog post…), but overall, I learned to cope without the food. It also happened to be a rather quiet time in terms of conflicting responsibilities.
Now, almost a month later, I find myself turning back to food. It may be that this has been a particularly stressful time – I’ve been working with a colleague to get a grant written while seeing a full load of patients and doing all my usual administrative work in my department. Not to mention trying to be a good mom, sister and wife, hosting a dinner party mid week and performing with my chorus. Thankfully last weekend was a quiet one, and I even got in a 12 mile bike ride on Saturday. Which did not stop me from hitting the pita chips and party leftovers that same night when I couldn’t find the ideal breast cancer knowledge tool anywhere in the literature ( a slow search because the library connection was slow) and needed to come up with something to write in the grant to explain how we were going to measure that variable. I headed to bed at 4 am feeling lousy.
Sunday I awoke at 10 and made the smart decision to head to the office, where the library’s internet connection was fast and there were no windows to remind me that it was a gorgeous spring day and I was working. I also happened to be away from any kitchen and my daughter came with me to do her homework, so no guilt was involved. I actually got a huge amount of work done, and more importantly, I made it through the day without overeating. That meant that night, instead of feeling guilty, I felt elated. I had written several important parts of the grant (which my collaborator may trash, but that’s okay, she’s better at this stuff than I will ever be), caught up on chart work and even posted a quickie blog post. My daughter got caught up on her homework and started a big project. Not to mention that while she and I were working, Mr TBTAM had done the spring garden cleanup on the roof! I felt literally high thinking about all that we had accomplished that day. The frustration of the grant writing was over, the garden looked wonderful, and to top it all off, I did not have that cloggy brain that I get when I over eat. I felt physically great.
And then I had one of those Aha! moments.
I realized that while stuffing myelf with carbs and fat quite effectively sedates the frustration, it also squashes the joy for some time thereafer. Joy, is after all, a feeling of euphoria. Or as it has been so beautifully said – the unbearable lightness of being.
It’s hard to get that feeling if you are stuffed to the gills, your tummy bloated out with post carb gas, your post prandial brain plugged with the glue of sugar and your anger at yourself mounting because now you’ve lost momentum and gained back the weight you worked so hard to lose. True, you are no longer anxious. But you’re not capable of happiness at that point either. You’re too busy feeling lousy. Or at least I am. And that lousy feeling can last a lot longer than the frustration would have lasted if I’d just lived through it.
Don’t ask me how it took this many years of living to realize this, but I have.
Now of course, the question is this – How do I remember it the next time I find myself reflexly heading to the kitchen while waiting for the internet to load? Or my daughter to finish the math problem before I review it? Or the feeling to pass when I look at my calendar and realize that I can’t do it all?
That my friends, is the question.
That's the big question isn't it? Will I remember it the next time? Can I have some chocolate while we contemplate the question? 🙂
very interesting post. It is a little disheartening, I have to say, that things don't ever seem to get easier. I also feel very dependent on food for comfort and I think it is part of my inherent nature. I hope that I can at least try and maintain some good habits as I start residency.
Great post! I have experienced these same feelings. It seems to be a lesson that has to be re-learned, but flipping the switch back seems easier once you've had that "aha" moment.
OMG I could have written this post myself. Why do we find that eating seems to calm us yet at the same time, make us unhappy?
I guess it's really true that food for some of us, is like a drug. I've been on WW for awhile now and found myself getting depressed. I figured out it was because I couldn't stuff my feelings back down and was having to deal with them. Scary, when you are not sure how to do that.
I do have to admit that I took some comfort in knowing that even Drs go through this and I'm not alone.
Hugs,
Joanne
Your post really spoke to me as did did Whoo's post. I am also a stress eater who is trying to lose weight and be healthier. Honestly, I think it was easier to kick my pack-a-day smoking addiction then it is to stop my stress eating. I still crave cigarettes when I'm super stressed, but I don't give in (and I quit 15 years ago!). What is it about overeating that is even a stronger addiction then nicotine??
Very insightful post.
One thought about root cause analysis in terms of improving the environment: what options do you have to speed up your internet at home? I loves me my FIOS, and 2 gig of RAM doesn't hurt either.
How beautifully you describe that nasty monster that lives within many of us. I'm a dietitian and have struggled with the same issues. I'm also a longtime WW member and going to meetings to hear others speak about their food issues keeps me a little more grounded each week. I'm hoping by the time I retire, I'll finally get it. Think about the progress you've made–better fitting clothes is what works for me–and that helps me refrain from going back into the kitchen after the dinner dishes are done.
My husband is on the Optifast program. They gave him some reading material which had this tip that may be useful to you. It said when you have the urge to go eat something, that hunger is like a wave. It has a beginning, a middle, and and ending. It talked about learning to recognize that so that instead of just rushing to food at the beginning, you learn to surf the wave and let it pass. It talked about choosing ways to surf–having a no-calorie drink, getting busy with something, making a phone call, etc. To each his own, and obviously some things work better at different times than others. It seemed to boil down to distraction in order to let the wave pass. Dr. Phil always talks about how when you try to change a behavior, you frequently have to stop some thing you are doing. The problem for most people is that then they have a vacuum, and they need to have a replacement action. Maybe it's time to learn to play Tetris! I hear it's very engaging.
Great post.
I totally do the stress eating. But what are the alternatives? I don't think being employed would be less stressful, and I can't fix the economy. I could drink, but I'm guessing in reality, it's better to have some cookie dough. No one is running around with guns looking to bust me for some cookie dough, either.
RL –
Form the looks of you, you've got this whole food thing down. I suspect you just pick up the needle when stress hits, right?
Elizabeth –
Actually, residency was when I first started to put on weight. Not much in those days, but the trend was beginning. I think the lack of sleep had a lot to do wit it. That and the free sandwiches they had on the labor floor in those days. Nothing like corned beef on white bread at 3 am….
Kayln-
I head to your site often for inspiration. Made your zucchini with parmesan tonight i fact. Delish!
Joanne –
I think that's where WW and other supports groups are so helpful in helping find an outlet for the feelings. Good luck to us both traversing the new territory of feelings!
CIndy –
The problem with food, is that unlike cigs, you can't go cold turkey. We still need to eat, right? But that's the good part too!
#1-
I know. I really need to tackle the wireless issue here. Problem is these damned concrete walls in our apartment means I practically need a router in every room to get a decent signal. May be time to call in a pro instead of doing it all myself.
Cheryl –
Thanks for the tips. Agree – staying positive helps a lot. Maybe I should get a door that locks for the kitchen….
Celeste –
Wow – that is so helpful. I love the analogy, and am going to try it myself. But not the tetris. No reason to substitute one addiction for another… 🙂
Badiac –
I know. As far as nasty habits goes, this one only hurts the person eating (and their family if they die early form a heart attack brought on by bad habits, but let's not go there. I have enough guilt as it is, thank you….)
Hmm…Cookie dough..
Love to all and thanks so much for your comments. Nice to know I am not alone.
I went from binge eating when stressed to not being able to eat much at all and worrying about it, which creates a sort of anxiety-loop. But one thing that I discovered recently is that if I can limit my sugar intake – for instance, have one piece of sweet fruit not two, have only a bit of chocolate (not that I eat much of it anyway), only one or two biscuits, and then leave time in between eating more, it makes me feel I've had a treat but I don't then feel bloated and horrid afterwards. I think I've a sensitivity to simple carb – maybe many of us have? Also, I find that if I have a tiny bit of something very highly flavoured and then straight after have something else that is strongly flavoured but different, that kind of flicks a switch for me to stop. For instance… half a spoonful of honey followed by some salami…!
I wish you luck, it's a difficult voyage, isn't it?
Wow…I could have written this post myself! The funny thing is, it also made me think of my encounters in real life with a gynecologist who worries about these weight and food issues and I can tell he's trying very hard not to lecture me about them. (Mostly because he realizes I already know what the deal is, but it's hard to act on that knowledge.) Stress is one of the worst triggers for me…and I'm sure you see a ton more of it than I do. But I still eat too much when it's happening. If we could figure out how to turn off that switch that triggers this connection, we'd be millionaires and a lot of health care professionals would be out of a job.
And yes, I think you hit it spot on…there is no happiness from being over-sated. Only a lot of self-doubt and misery. Trying to do it all doesn't help those feelings, either. It took me a long time to realize those things, too.
Twenty-twenty-twenty-four hours to goooooo, I wanna be sedated!" Love this song (and sing it to myself often on those 24 hour call days!) I hear you, sister, and wish I had the answers, as well…I am still figuring it all out, but I know that I like carbs way more than they like me. 🙂
I often think of when the road went wrong, and I can pinpoint it precisely. I was a healthy weight and had great diet and exercise habits, until my last year of medical school/first year of residency. Then the stress and lack of sleep combined to become an unstoppable force for stress eating. Keep on fighting the good fight! You inspire me! 😉
P.S. My comment code is 'extraf'…extra fat, perhaps? hee.
Thanks for this – I had never heard this song before and love it. This week I lost my job, and on top of that am struggling with my weight. Yeah, I'd like to be sedated.
Man i love this song!
The Ramones were such a great band!
Your doing great with the diet keep it up!
I loved reading your post and your use of humor in the face of such an epidemic problem. I am slightly new at blogging myself and would like to invite you to read my blog at http://www.catwoman1204.wordpress.com
Congratulations on sticking to your diet and thanks for such an insightful post.
Baby, this is my theme song! lol
Laid off; running out of money; MS is kicking my butt; boarder who moved into my empty upstairs to help w/ finances and help around the house is now crippled w/ sciatica and I am helping HER; she moved in w/ her whole family like the Beverly Hillbillies and I had to straighten that out fast; my roof is leaking and no one can fix it and a 6 foot diameter of my living room ceiling just fell down; my 24 y/o unmarried daughter just told me she is pregnant; I don't do emotional eating and I'm STILL fat.
Waaahhhh!!
I am watching my portions but without exercise the weight won't budge. And I am so overwhelmed, not to mention limited by the MS, I just can't get my act together to get to a pool, which is my best bet for using up calories. Sigh.
I will keep reading for inspiration. Thank you Dr. Peggy. 🙂
Marie –
That's a heck of a lot you have going on. Glad you straightened out the boarders!
Speaking of inspirations, you're a pretty amazing one yourself!
Hang in there.
Peggy
Couldn't reconcile it either and frankly, was TIRED of trying. How much of my life has been spent thinking about this question? More than the time I've spent pondering the meaning of life or considering my purpose on the Earth. And that is sad. So I got the Lap-Band.
Still gotta think about it but now its less frustrating.