Oy! Such tsuris. All these nice, pretty, young patients of mine dating on the Internet. Such nice girls. Why can’t they find a young man to settle down with? Is it so wrong for me, their doctor, to want them to be happy?
Take my patient Rachel H. Such a shaina maidel!She’s 36 years old, and doesn’t look a day over 25! She comes to see me today for her annual check up, and we schmooze a little after her pap smear. You know, a biseleh girl talk…
Afterwards she sends me an email to tell me the visit has inspired a new chapter in her forthcoming book entitled – “Tequila Has No Carbs; and other things that are important to know when dating in New York City”.
I get a little verklempt just thinking about it! Me – in a Book! But I’m going on. Here, let Rachel tell you all about it…
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So, worse than the scrutiny by my Jewish grandmother as to why I’m not married is the conversation I have yearly with my gynecologist as she looks at my date of birth on my chart and then immediately says, “So, seeing anyone special?”
I look down at the floor shaking my head in shame, because of course, I have also indeed checked the box that says “YES, I have had new sexual partners since my last visit.”
Have you tried “eHarmony? I have a patient who just got married…”
She actually listens with great interest as I explain to her my friend Jen’s marketing theory surrounding Internet dating – and how few men despite how good the date is, are going to commit easily when 7 blondes have e-mailed him between our last martini and the time he gets home and logs on…
I tell her that most men around 40 – fall into a number of categories. After dismissing the divorced with kids, we get to the classic 40 something guy that and all my friends and I have dated – We all know the type – he’s too independent at this point to easily integrate someone into his life – and if he’s attractive and successful – he can get sex whenever he needs it – so why should he settle down?
I mention an exception, a friend that I had dinner with recently whose wife died several years ago… But he’s still getting over it and while he’ll make some girl really happy someday – he’s just not there yet. She nearly jumps out of her seat and says:
“THAT’S THE [type of] GUY YOU WANT!!!”
(and she’s getting really excited and animated now…)
“OR – THE GUY WHOSE WIFE CHEATED ON HIM!”
(at this point she’s squealing so loud nurses are surely starting to detect the conversation behind the closed door…)
“HE’S CAPABLE OF LOVE!!! THAT’S A GUY YOU WANT TOO!”
So I left the gynecologist this morning, one pap smear down, another few years reprieve from my first mammogram, with the following advice:
Place an ad:
Wanted: Damaged Goods.
Has your wife died or left you? If so, call me…
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Tsuris = Serious worry
Shaina Maidel = a pretty girl
Biseleh = just a little
Ken Ayina Hora = lit. = without the evil eye, “not to jinx it”
Verklempt = How you feel knowing you’re meeting Barbra Streisand. A voice like BUTTA!
Nice!
I agree!
Visions of Harvey Fierstein in “Mrs. Doubtfire” come flashing through my head as he sings the song Matchmaker…
The excerpt is so funny.
Tell her that my widower brother-in-law found his new wife on Match (dot) com. He was the used goods that she refers to, but was snatched up in very short order by a fantastic woman who was at the time 42, and had never found the right guy. It’s an inspirational story.
As the song goes in the off-broadway musical “I love you, you’re perfect, now change”, we all have baggage, emotional baggage! It’s just a question of what kind of baggage…is it LV steamer trunk baggage or is it bought on a street corner falling apart after one use baggage?
for what it's worth…. i've tried the damaged goods [maybe i've just found the really damaged ones!] & match dot com, etc., all to no avail. granted, i'm a bit older than shaina, [but don't look a day over…. well… 40 something] and sadly haven't been able to check that "sexually active" box for a while! maybe dr. bubbe can hook up with a dr. bubbe urologist & start matchmaking!
ahaha….funny, funny and lots of truth. I can relate, and I’m not even Jewish.
Schruggling –
So, Nu, does he have any single friends for my Rachela?
Wow, it sounds like you have a really nice relationship with this patient and a lot of fun at the right times 🙂
I think I’d run from the room screaming if my doctor tried to have that conversation with me (which, what with the gown and all, wouldn’t be a good thing).
There is hope! I just met my true love on match.com at age 45. He’s divorced with teenagers, but so am I. We got married on 7/11/08 then took everybody to the 7-11 for Slurpees.
To Rachel,
Don’t be too quick to dismiss the divorced with kids category…Oi Vay the day I met the man of my dreams I felt it in my kishkas.
He was divorced with 4 children. After many relationships that were durkhfalls, he was an absolute dream. Respectful, loving and a wonderful father.
I told myself “A man like this comes along in a noveneh.”
It was a shidech made in heaven. Together for 10 years we are.
He fits right in with the whole Meshpokha.
My only fear is that my mamelah loves him more than me.
-OBS Housekeeper
OBS….10 years? How time flies…
this story makes me want to call and schedule my annual checkup. Maybe it’s time for a pap and some friendly advice.
Very funny.
Here’s what I did – I left NYC, spent 1 year working in the ER in Rochester, found a really nice, normal guy while there, and moved back to the city with him as my husband the next year. It was the best thing I ever did. 🙂
LOL –
You might should take this survey: http://www.metafilter.com/73535/Whats-nu
I go to this party in Greenwich Village. There are other young kids there so I just let my four year old roam. Lots of adults there know him.
I go up to the hostess, who is talking to this attractive woman (the hostess and I already know we aren’t going to work). The attractive woman is complaining about parents who come to parties like this and just let there kids run loose. She had just taken something away from a small blond boy.
28 years later is still known to mutter ‘should have kept my mouth shut’.
actually, in that instance, it would be
such a schaines maidel
I met a gorgeous shy scientist when I was 20…we were both virgins.
My friends were quite alarmed when we were still together 5 years later…
"you can't settle for the first guy you date"…
"you're wasting your young years"…
We've now been together for 18 years.
Quite a few of my friends are still looking (or looking again)and it's a minefield out there…
I've never been on a dating site, gone to a speed dating night, had a blind date, one night stand, casual sex or even stepped inside a night club…
and I couldn't be happier!
Lol, I love the way you talk to your patients. Thats the kind of doctor I hope to be one day!